i think i have two assholes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
