The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize