Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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