I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Semen is not good for contacts.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
