I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
