If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
