every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
