He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
