The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
