If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
