dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
