i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
