i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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