Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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