I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
