mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
it glows. i had to have it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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