I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
