he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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