I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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