her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
