i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
