I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
