dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
