She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The power of my boobs compel you
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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