I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
