I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
