Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
