i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
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Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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