I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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