Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"