sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
sex in a hospital.. check
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.