So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
