walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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