just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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