There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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