this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's shark week go big or go home
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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