Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
