I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
that may or may not have been my penis.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize