please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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