If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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