My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
