I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
