i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
