apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
