The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
