oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
