You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
