The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
