And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
