I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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