I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
