My liver just broke up with me...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
NoShamevember. You game?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
