totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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