I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
